"Bodymind"… Where does my empathy root from? When I came to be in this life, my upbringing was filled with love. That love fertilized my core and in my youth it traveled freely throughout me with connectivity to animals, family, and friends. It was expressed walking on the tips of my toes hoping to reach back out to the stars and share the beauty I had discovered to the universe. It flowed from my heart center to my mind’s eye and out my extremities to share it through art and dancing and creative works.
Over time, I began to learn the horrors of this world. Destruction, violence, hatred, war. Watching nature fight back against the pain humanity exuded was terrifying. I grew a strong fear for natural disasters knowing that Mother Earth was hurting tremendously and there was seemingly nothing I could do about it. I began to question the point of life, if all we do is focus on greed while beauty felt fleeting. These thoughts were extreme for my young age, and without the expansion of further experience and personal purpose, I cried myself to sleep countless nights. I began to fear leaving my family, the ones I adored most who rooted me with love. I felt out of place and disconnected from humans and overly connected to the emotions of Mother Earth.
Continuing to adjust to the best of my abilities, I found solace through music. I followed the movement it created inside of me to a once underground scene of fellow misfits and wildly creative creatures. Dancing in abandoned warehouses, or underneath the desert sky. I found a gathering where I could explore myself and let go of every day society demands. The rave scene became my new home.
My curiosity to find my place became powerful as I left my childhood home to discover myself deeper, shifting away from the world I grew up in. So many new fascinating people and relationships were being born at a rate I wasn’t used to. The normally introverted shy girl was breaking out of her shell and became addicted to the exploration of self and abilities to be here now with humanity. My optimism in delving into a new world became a fragility as I began to spiral into darkness in an entirely new way. Living so freely, I lost control of myself. Why did I once let people walk all over me and control me? Perhaps my connectivity was still so very off in this world. In following the drive to fit in, I let it pull me wherever it pleased rather than focusing on my first awakened state of love. I opened so many doors of confusing possibilities, I forgot what love was, and forgot how to love myself. I was told to change and I succumbed. I was abused numerous times and felt shame and hid it away. I kept battling the fear of never fitting in, of being love and not shining bright enough to heal the world’s wounds. When confronting my masks and my shame, I felt like a speck of dust. Worthless, unable to flow fluidly with humanity. I was seemingly an empty shell, letting nature’s anger into me, letting it destroy me.
The tears, the pain, the abuse, the insignificance, the shame, it was and is all real. Real in my experience, and in connection with humanity's experience against nature, and with Mother Earth’s battle to live harmoniously with the universe. I once again found myself living as the young girl I once was, crying for this pain I felt seeping through me, but so incapable of processing it. I’d become so exhausted from trying to let it out, from trying to make sense of it, I repressed it. Little did I know then how much repressing feelings will store inside of your body. Unexpressed, my body took on the burden.
In my most recent years, I have found connectivity and purpose through compassion with those who have felt anguish and pain by relating it to my own darkness which is connected to the darkness of society’s and Earth’s suffering. I have also discovered higher and higher levels of love and oneness with the universe by listening to my third eye. The stars, solar systems beyond our own, the netherworlds, all providing visions and ideals so powerfully fueled by love and creativity as they guide me to express my creativity on a level like never before. I feel the comfort of the cosmos protecting me as I follow my intuition completely and embrace every moment of synchronicity.
My current awakening has been discovering my once disconnection of my Bodymind. I used to listen so immensely to my mind, I let it dictate my body. With so much suffering stored inside my body, it began attacking itself. Autoimmune diseases. The inability to eat anything without pain. Prone to injury during stress. I was continuing to hurt my body with my mind by treating it harshly when it was simply trying to speak with my mind. “Listen to me please, you are in pain because you have held in your suffering. You are holding in suffering in hopes to hide your shame. You are holding suffering in hopes to make the world a better place. You cannot make the world a better place however, until you confront your sufferings and release them without shame. Speak your experience to connect deeper to others who are suffering. You may feel the pain that others feel, but without speaking from a place of vulnerability, everyone suffers.”
The clarity was so inspirational and suddenly obvious, I opened up my deepest suffering without shame. I opened up with fragility and fear, and was honored with empowerment and joy. I then began to listen to my body more, and realized it wasn’t broken as my mind led my spirit to believe. So with a lot of introspective pep talks, I asked my mind to be kind to my body when it speaks. And in turn, my ailments are truly healing. The repressed pain is moving, flowing, and transforming into acceptance and giving me the fluidity to move forward into the now.
My empathy comes from the extreme contrasts of connectivity and clarity of love with the suffering of pain and repression. My Bodymind is my conduit to release all the light I gather or transform from darkness back into humanity, Mother Earth, and the universe. I come in peace, harmony, and will continue to transform as I absorb experiences and shift them into love and light to pour freely to the world and beyond.